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There are two phrases that slip out so simply when your kid reviews an emotional tournament. Maybe they tripped and fell or had a battle with a pal. Their face crumples, and prior to they’ve even had an opportunity to talk, you are saying: “You’re okay.”
It sounds comforting. Reassuring, even. But it’s no longer. As a aware parenting trainer and suggest for kids’s emotional well being, I’ve studied over 200 youngsters — and I’ve noticed this well-intentioned and overused word motive long-term harm in ways in which most folks by no means notice.
In truth, as a result of it sort of feels so innocuous in the beginning, it is the most threatening word in parenting. Here’s why, and what to mention as a substitute:
1. It teaches youngsters to doubt their very own feelings.
When a kid is visibly disappointed and hears “you’re okay,” it sends a complicated message: What I’m feeling should no longer be actual. Over time, this disconnects them from their internal emotional global and teaches them to mistrust their very own instincts.
2. It invalidates their enjoy when they want you maximum.
You might say it with love, however a kid hears: “Your feelings don’t matter.” Dismissal — alternatively refined — teaches them that convenience and connection are simplest to be had once they’re calm and handy. This is the place emotional suppression starts.
3. It short-circuits emotional processing.
Emotions are supposed to transfer in the course of the frame. When we interrupt that herbal procedure with untimely reassurance, we rob youngsters of the power to spot, title and keep an eye on their feelings. Instead of establishing resilience, we’re construction avoidance.
4. It teaches that love is conditional.
Without knowing it, words like “you’re okay,” “stop crying,” or “don’t be scared” situation youngsters to consider they should suppress their feelings to stay authorized. And when love feels conditional, emotional protection — the very basis of psychological well being — begins to get to the bottom of.
5. It can rewire a kid’s rigidity reaction.
The anxious device develops via repeated reviews. When a kid is disappointed and met with dismissal as a substitute of fortify, their frame learns that it’s no longer secure to precise emotion. Over time, it will reshape their anxious device to be expecting disconnection, making it more difficult to consider, keep an eye on and really feel secure being totally themselves.
What to mention as a substitute of ‘you are ok’
Children don’t want a repair — they wish to really feel. And extra importantly, they wish to are aware of it’s secure to really feel, particularly with you.
Here are robust possible choices that validate their internal global and construct emotional energy:
- “I consider you.”
- “Your feelings make sense.”
- “I’m right here with you.”
- “You don’t have to be okay right now.”
- “I saw what happened. How are you feeling?”
These phrases do more than soothe. They strengthen. They teach your child: My emotions matter. I can trust myself. I’m not alone.
These responses take practice. You’ll still say “you’re okay” sometimes. And that’s okay, too. The goal is to practice conscious parenting: noticing our patterns and choosing, moment by moment, to respond in ways that build emotional safety rather than undermine it.
These moments may seem small, but they actually help to build a child’s emotional foundation. And in a world where anxiety, depression and disconnection are on the rise, this is how we protect our children’s mental health — one moment of emotional safety at a time.
Reem Raouda is a leading voice in conscious parenting and the creator of FOUNDATIONS — the transformative healing journal for parents ready to break cycles, do the inner work, and become the emotionally safe parent their child needs. She is widely recognized for her groundbreaking work in children’s emotional safety and strengthening the parent-child bond. FFollow her on Instagram.
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